


I still want to believe even though it’s unbelievable

by writing_secrets



Category: SHINee
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, Unrequited Love, sorry - Freeform, these relationships are more like pining, this was totally written for my own reasons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-09 22:43:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8916001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_secrets/pseuds/writing_secrets
Summary: "Open your heart. Someone will come, someone will come for you. But first, you have to open your heart.” -you who came from the stars





	

Jongin goes to Taemin in times of need. It’s something both of them have done since the beginning of their friendship and even though Taemin is starting his album promotions he still makes time for Jongin. There’s always time for Jongin. They go to a small cafe where none of the reporters can follow them so they can talk in private. Once they’re settled with their boba tea, Jongin starts in on what’s obvioulsy been eating at him the whole time. 

“Tomorrow the company is going to release a statement on how Krystal and I are dating,” Jongin says. “I think it’s so they can distract people from the rumors of Lay leaving EXO.”

Taemin’s eyebrows raise, “Why are you worried? Is it about the scandal you think it’ll raise?”

“Ya! Fans will use anything to tear me down, you know that.”

“You’ll stand strong. I’ll be supporting you, just like always,” Taemin says, patting Jongin’s arm. “You can always call me.”

Jongin smiles, looking relieved. “Thanks,” he says.

They finish their tea with comfortable conversation after that, Jongin obviously more relaxed now that he knew his friend supported him. They part ways soon after that and Taemin heads back to the company dorms. He would have another early morning, so he didn’t really see the merit of going all the way to his own apartment. He’s surprised to find that he’s not alone there. Jinki is lounging on the couch, almost half asleep when Taemin comes in and startles him awake. 

“Oh! Sorry hyung, I didn’t think anyone else would be here,” Taemin says, ducking his head in embarrassment. 

He could feel the tickle in his throat coming back and heads back to his room before the coughing starts. He stares down at the four innocent looking rose petals. The deep red contrasted sharply against his white bedsheet and he sighs. So, the feelings had obviously come back. The surgery never seemed to work like it did with everyone else, the feelings always came back. He had thought it had finally worked after sos long without an incident, but here were the petals, proving him wrong. Jinki knocks on his door and Taemin throws his bag on top of the petals to hide them, turning around with a plastered on smile just as Jinki opens the door. 

“Hey Jinki-hyung. Sorry I startled you when I came in, I know it’s late,” Taemin says.

Jinki smiles, “You’re alright. Do you have a busy day tomorrow?”

“Yeah. According to my schedule I won’t have any free time tomorrow.”

“That’s a bummer. We should try and get dinner together this week.”

“Sounds great, I’ll make sure and tell them to leave me some time to eat.”

They laugh and Jinki wishes him a good night’s sleep before wandering off again. 

 

Jinki knew Taemin was hiding something. The maknae had probably thought that his coughing wasn’t super loud, but it had echoed through the apartment. Jinki really hoped that Taemin just had a sore throat from all of his singing rehearsals and it wasn’t something else. However, judging from how eager Taemin had been to get out of the room when he had first arrived, Jinki suspected the worst. Hanahaki Disease.

Taemin was probably hiding it from everyone, too focused on his new album promotions to deal with it. Jinki knew just how hard it was to hide the petals, but it got easier with more practice. He knew he would have to catch Taemin actually coughing up the petals for him to know the truth, but that would be the most difficult part of this. 

Jinki wondered if he could get anyone to help him catch Taemin. There were only two members who weren’t busy, Kibum and Jonghyun. A flash of a sly smile flits through his mind and he lurches into the bathroom just in time to heave azalea petals into the toilet. He sighs as the last of the pink petals disappear and leans his head against the wall. This could be harder than he thought. 

 

The news story of Kai and Krystal dating breaks over the next couple of days and Taemin doesn’t expect it to hurt as much as it does. Fans go wild with speculation and it’s on a ton of the fan sites. He sends Jongin encouraging messages to help him feel supported even as the hate messages start pouring in. 

Taemin spends most of that night throwing up red rose petals into the toilet and praying that no one is home in the dorms to hear him crying. 

 

The demanding music industry wasn’t anything new to Jonghyun. Their latest album had been a rush of promotions and music shows and all of the rehearsals and performances and dieting that came with it. Somehow Jonghyun had managed to get through all of it without looking like a zombie and he’s thankful for the break that he gets. It seems like he’s the only one that really gets a break, Jinki and Minho were getting ready to film dramas, Kibum was busy with brand promotions and his mc duties, and Taemin was busy with his solo album release. 

Jonghyun was proud of him, and was especially glad that Taemin had come to him for help with songs. Jonghyun had actually helped to write quite a few for the album and was happy that Taemin was receiving a ton of support from the fans. Taemin was spending most of his time in the studio, practicing longer than anyone else ever did in order to ensure that he was perfect. Honestly, Jonghyun thought that by now the kid would be able to perform the choreography in his sleep because of all the extra practices. 

Jonghyun takes it upon himself to check up on Taemin, making sure that their maknae was actually eating and sleeping between performances. He’s used to the soft feelings he has for Taemin , after all he had practically helped raise the kid in the music industry. What he doesn’t expect is the morning he wakes up coughing. A single white rose petal falls out of his mouth and he stares down at it for awhile before tossing it in the trash and moving on with his day. It could just be a fluke, a coincidence.

 

Jinki treats Taemin to dinner. His album was doing well, topping charts across the board and he had even been nominated for several awards. Taemin seems to be doing well, and no petals are being coughed up even as they spend most of the evening together so Jinki wonders if he had just been overreacting. At least he thinks this until they’re walking home and Taemin’s phone chimes with the familiar ringtone from Jongin. Taemin reads the text and starts coughing. Jinki can only watch as Taemin coughs out a good handful of red rose petals onto the street. He straightens up and looks guiltily up at Jinki. 

“How long has this been going on?” Jinki asks.

“Awhile. It’s gotten worse,” Taemin shrugs like it’s no big deal. 

Of course, that’s also what Jinki has been doing but Taemin didn’t need to know that. 

“Will you get it? The surgery I mean,” Jinki says.

“Will you?” Taemin asks. 

Jinki gets the feeling that Taemin knows about his secret, especially as Taemin smiles grimly up at him. Taemin continues to walk, tipping his head back to the night sky. 

 

Jonghyun realizes the petals aren’t a coincidence when he coughs up four white petals during his dinner break. He stuffs them into his pockets and acts like nothing happened because no one else had seen them after all. There was no reason to worry, he just had to get his feelings under control. Hanahaki Disease. What an unsuspectingly pretty name for something that had destroyed so many lives. He knew that the operations for it were fairly simple, people got them all the time. Yet the problem was, he wasn’t sure if he wanted the feelings to disappear. The only way to survive without the operation was for the feelings to be reciprocated. 

He hides it for as long as he can, it would be too much of a burden on the others. Jinki was busy with his drama and so was Minho, Taemin was finishing his promotions, and Kibum was busy with fashion labels. Jonghyun hides himself in the recording studio, recording and writing songs in between the times when he’s bent over the trashcan vomiting and choking up soft rose petals. It was getting worse, to the point where he needed to decide whether or not to get the surgery, but Jonghyun still couldn’t bring himself to tell anyone. They were all too busy. 

 

Jongin calls Taemin a couple of days after photos are leaked of him and Krystal together at a hotel. 

“Taemin what do I do?” Jongin asks.

“About the pictures?” Taemin asks, brushing away the petals that spill onto his lap.

“Yeah.”

“I’m not sure. It helps the dating rumors, right? Isn’t the company coaching you?” 

“They say to not do anything about it. It’s not like I have any social media anyway.”

“That’s true. Are you okay with it?”

“Yeah, I mean all the pictures are staged anyway.”

“You sure?”

“I guess. When are you free next? I miss seeing you.”

“This weekend, do you just want to come over to the dorms?”

“Sure.”

After the call Taemin spends his time in the bathroom trying to breathe even as the petals force their way out. Jinki rubs his back throughout it even as he chokes back his own petals. 

“They’re pink for you?” Taemin asks between bouts. 

Jinki laughs even as he has to spit out petals. “Of course. They’re his favorite after all.”

“Is it Kibum hyung?” Taemin asks, brushing back his own sweaty bangs.

“Yeah.”

“You never know, it could work out.”

“If these petals prove anything, it’s not going to happen.”

“Confess to him. Then at least you can get an answer.”

“And will you confess to Jongin?”

Taemin sighs and looks away.

“Didn’t think so,” Jinki says quietly. 

 

Jonghyun is eventually found out by Kibum when he gets surprised with dinner. Kibum bursts through the door with a bag of food in one hand and drinks in the other, startling Jonghyun so much he falls out of his seat. 

“Kibum! Warn someone before you do that, you could’ve given me a heart attack.” Jonghyun chides. 

He can’t hide it when the petals spill from his mouth mere seconds after that, brought on by another coughing fit. Kibum is beside him in an instant, dumping the food onto a vacant space on the table, holding him as he regains the ability to breathe. 

“When did this start?” Kibum demands. 

“About a month ago, maybe? I’m fine.” Jonghyun says. 

“You are definitely not fine. Why don’t you go in for the surgery?”

“I don’t know if I want to.”

“Then confess to him.”

“I can’t.”

“Jonghyun. Telling him could save your life without you having to go in for the surgery. It’s worth a shot.”

“I hate it when you make sense.”

“I will drag you into the hospital myself if I have to.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll tell him next time I see him.”

Kibum’s eyes narrow at this promise, knowing that Jonghyun could try and avoid Taemin for as long as he could. Jonghyun smiles back at him and tries hard to ignore the tickle in the back of his throat. 

 

Jongin curls onto the couch after Taemin lets him inside. They’re the only two home and they watch movies throughout the day. Taemin still coughs petals, but he’s managed to hide them from Jongin. When he comes back into the living room he notices Jongin hunched over on the couch. Taemin sets the drinks down and sits beside Jongin.

“Jongin? Are you okay?” Taemin asks. 

Jongin is staring down at his hands in horror and Taemin sees an orange lily petal in his hands.

“Taemin? What do I do?” Jongin asks in a horrified whisper.

Taemin keeps his face neutral even as he feels like he’s going to throw up. Really it feels like his heart has been torn out of his chest and he can feel the flowers threatening to suffocate him but Jongin is looking to him for guidance and Jongin always comes first.

“Is it Krystal?” Taemin asks.

Jongin nods and Taemin sucks in a breath and swallows against the petals. 

“You should tell her how you feel,” Taemin says. 

“What if she doesn’t feel the same even after?” Jongin asks.

“Then we’ll figure it out from there.”

“What if she already has someone she loves?” I knew this was a fake relationship so why did it end up like this?”

Taemin grabs his friend’s face between his hands before he can dissolve further into hysterics. 

“Jongin. We’ll figure it out together. Just tell her how you feel and we’ll go from there.” Taemin says. 

 

Jinki comes back to the dorms to find Taemin surrounded by a sea of red rose petals. It looks like Taemin had been crying when he looks over at Jinki.

“Oh hey. You’re back hyung.” Taemin says, voice sounding raw. 

“What happened Taemin?” Jinki asks. 

“Jongin fell in love with Krystal. He was coughing petals today. He’s going to confess tomorrow.” Taemin says. 

He coughs out another handful of petals and laughs. 

“Isn’t how this works just so funny?” Taemin says.

He looks up at Jinki with a haunted look in his eyes and Jinki swallows hard against the petals in his own throat. 

“Come on, let's get this cleaned up and then we can make tea and sort this out.” Jinki says.

Taemin agrees and they get trash bags to stuff the petals into. When it’s all cleaned up Jinki starts to make tea. Taemin is quiet throughout it, staring down at his phone while he drinks his tea. Both of them occasionally spit petals into the trash can but they’ve got a pretty good handle on it now. 

The front door bursts open and they both turn to see Kibum staggering through the doorway. Kibum spots them and looks surprised.

“I didn’t know anyone was here!” he slurs.

“Get him a trash can in case he throws up,” Jinki says, moving to help Kibum sit on the couch.

Taemin silently obeys, making sure there are no petals in the trash can he hands to Kibum. Kibum clutches the trash can like it’s a lifeline and looks fairly miserable. He lurches forward and throws up into the trash can, but instead of anything they might have been expecting, he throws up sunflower petals.

Jinki and Taemin exchange a glance and turn their attention back to Kibum.

“Hyung, whose petals are these?” Taemin asks.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s fine.” Kibum says. 

“Kibum, tell us. It’s not fine and we all know that.” Jinki says.

Kibum sighs, “It’s Jonghyun, okay? I’ll deal with it tomorrow.”

“Kibum,” Jinki starts.

“I know it’s stupid but I’m dealing with it, okay? I don’t need help.” Kibum says. 

He clutches the trashcan and unsteadily makes his way to his bedroom. He door closes behind him and Jinki deflates, sinking into the couch. 

“Are you okay?” Taemin asks. 

Jinki shrugs, “I’m not really sure anymore.”

 

Jonghyun thinks there’s something poetic about the way the roses were growing in his lungs. His love caused them to bloom, and the more he loved the harder it was for him to breathe. When he starts coughing up blood he knows he has to make a choice. Roses have thorns and the thorns were tearing up his lungs. Kibum keeps him company as he waits in the hospital for the day surgery and Jonghyun thinks that he could fall in love again, this time with the sharp eyed boy who keeps laughing at his stupid jokes. 

 

Taemin is watching Jinki’s interview and texting Jongin at the same time. Jongin had confessed to Jung Soo and they had grown closer and had been going on more dates. Jongin had been recounting the events and asking Taemin for his advice and opinion on things and Taemin had been trying his best to help. Taemin looks up at the screen where Jinki is finishing his interview and is being congratulated on the success of the drama. His phone starts blasting a song about chicken, Jinki’s ringtone, and Taemin answers it immediately. 

“Taemin? Will you meet me at the hospital?” Jinki asks.

 

Jinki smiles at him from the hospital bed as he bursts through the door.

“Hyung what’s going on?” Taemin demands. 

“Calm down, Taeminnie. I’ve decided to go through with the surgery and I guess I just wanted some company.”

Taemin holds his hand as he waits to be rolled into surgery. 

“What made you decide?” Taemin asks.

“I don’t want to force my feelings on him. This is the easiest way.” Jinki says.

“Hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“What flowers are your favorite?”

Jinki gets a small smile on his face. “Forget me nots. They’re blue.”

The doctors come in to bring him to the surgical theatre and Jinki looks up at Taemin.

“Do you think it hurts?” Jinki asks.

“It doesn’t. And afterward you feel better,” Taemin says.

Jinki mulls over Taemin’s words as he’s rolled into surgery. It almost sounded like Taemin had been through the surgery before. As his consciousness fades, Jinki tries to remember to ask Taemin about it.

  
Taemin walks out of the hospital with the empty feeling in his chest. He was supposed to meet Jinki for dinner along with their other members. They were getting ready to start rehearsals for their newest album and they all wanted to spend a couple of nights together without any obligations hanging over them. Taemin knows that he has a chance of the petals coming back, he’s one of the rare cases where the surgery can’t remove all of the feelings. But for now, he was free of the feelings, free of the petals, and he was joining his band members for dinner. Tomorrow Jongin might text him, and the itchy feeling might come back, but for now he was empty and ready to enjoy his evening. 


End file.
